Wednesday, July 16, 2014
1. People who spell 'on route' instead of 'en route'.
2. People who say 'should of' instead of 'should have'.
3. People who call a small group of friends a 'click'. It's 'clique'. CLIQUE. Understand? Not a click. Cluck off.
4. Smug grammar pedants. (Oh. Me then.)
5. People who exclaim 'That's GREAT news!' if I mention that I may need a transplant. No it isn't. Fuck the fuck off. I'm obviously not stoic enough about the whole process.
6. People who use inappropriate language to make a point (see point 5).
7. People on social media who say stuff like 'I love my friends, you know who you are'. No we don't. We need names and addresses in case of any ambiguity.
8. People who wear so much perfume/aftershave that you can smell them an hour before you see them. You know who you are. Peter Jones, 44 Viewfieldpoo Walk, Tufton Grange, TG12 P00.
9. People who feel the need to tell me I look well EVERY time I see them as if this is some sort of miracle. What do you expect me to look like? A corpse?
10. People who write lists in a passive aggressive way to make points about things that annoy them.
11. Vince Vaughn's voice.
12. My voice.
13. The dog when she barks at ants creeping past the front door.
14. Ants creeping past the front door. It makes the dog bark.
15. When I plug in a USB cable but it is the wrong way round so I turn it over to try again only to discover that I had it the right way round in the first place.
16. When I make a nice cup of tea, sit down only to discover I didn't boil the water.
17. When I make a nice cup of tea only to discover I forgot to put in a tea bag.
18. When I panic lose my keys in my bag and then remember they are in my pocket.
19. When I panic lose my keys in my pocket then remember they are in my bag
20. When I'm idly flicking channels on satellite television and it's 'advert time'.
21. When I have to try to ignore the fact I need a wee when I've just got comfortable in bed.
22. When Claudia Winkleman stands in for Ken Bruce on Radio 2.
23.When people on Popmaster with Ken Bruce (quiz on Radio 2) say:
a. I'm a plumber (or other profession) 'for my sins'.
b. It's before my time Ken (so was Hitler but we know he was).
c. Can I say a quick hello (only to go on to name every person in Great Britain).
24. When your teenager empties the dishwasher and you can't find anything because it has all been put away in the wrong cupboards.
25. People who use the word 'your' when they should use the contract of 'you are'. (My Auntie Mary made me add this just this second)
26. The fact that I'm terrible at proof reading my own work.
Thursday, July 3, 2014
Last week I misplaced an important document that I thought I had put in a safe place. I'd obviously put it in a very safe place because I couldn't find it anywhere. I needed a national insurance number. I decided it would be fine because I could call HM Revenue and Customs and get a copy of the document sent out to me. I went online to find the appropriate phone number and I called. It was a terrible automated service. After I'd pressed 1 for help, 2 for lost national insurance numbers and 3 for a nervous breakdown I was advised to do it online. When I got online again it advised me to do it on the phone because the online service was unavailable.
It was a vicious circle and when I phoned up again the stupid automated woman wasn't prepared to listen. She kept trying to tell me what to say. I managed to record the phone 'conversation' with that stupid, annoying automated phone woman. Eventually I printed out the documents and sent in a request by good old fashioned post. That was two weeks ago though and I've still not received it.
It is lucky then that after an hour after having a nervous breakdown trying to sort out getting a copy, I found the document on the top of a pile of papers I'd already rifled through four times.
Here is the conversation.